Jokes, stories, essays and such.

Who doesn't like a good story? Hitler, that's who. And nobody likes Hitler. So it follows that good stories are good. Good. 
Time for a Story, or if you prefer, a Long Joke. Or just a Big Load Of Words. Either way, get your reading beard on! ​

Want a collection of exclusive, original humuor writing? Then buy Issue #1 of my zine, HUMUOR!
Want regular, exclusive stories? And rewards, updates + fresh new content?
Then become a patron on Patreon! (+ get HUMUOR free!)
Want something even longer? Then buy my book, Why the Long Joke?

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HERE /// STORIFY /// THE NEW YORKER /// HUFFPOST UK /// SELECTED TWEETS

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Part A... WRITINGS ON THIS WEBSITE:

END-OF-YEAR QUIZ
A TERRIFYING CHRISTMAS EVE ADVENTURE
IMAGINE
TOP 50 DJS
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE HAVING A NIGHTMARE 
MADONNA CONCERT
WHAT IF?​

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Part C... THE NEW YORKER: 

Some of my writing will appear on the New Yorker's website, and possibly in the print edition too. Here's some of that.
 
HIERONYMUS BOSCH'S LOST MASTERPIECE
I WROTE AN OPEN LETTER, BUT THE WORDS FELL OUT
SO YOU FOUND A...
HOW TO WRITE A SENTENCE

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Do you dare to read your HOROSLOPE?

Part B... TWITTER STORIES ON STORIFY: 

GAME OF MURDERS
HOW I BECAME PRESIDENT OF TWITTER
MACKLEMORE AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS
THE EXPERIMENT
WHY JEDWARD BLOCKED ME
MCDONALDS
WHAT'S WITH THESE HOMIES?
BATMAN VOICE
GROCERY ITEM
WIMBLEDON 2013, LIVETWEETED
DAVID CAMERON'S 109 DELETED TWEETS
AMANDA BYNES UPDATE

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Part D... BLOG ON THE HUFFINGTON POST UK: 

I blog for HuffPost UK now. Some of my writing only appears there. 

I PREDICTED TRUMP V CLINTON TWO YEARS AGO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FATHER TED 

EDGAR FROESE AND TANGERINE DREAM'S 'PHAEDRA'
RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH AND '10 RILLINGTON PLACE'
(note: serious pieces)

I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF TWITTER

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Part E... SOME TWEETS (from 2014, when I last had a chance to update this section). If you like them, try retweeting them!

Heroes are born, not made. Ostriches: born, not made. Fire: made, not born. Guitars: made. Puppies: born. Kenny G: we have no idea

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 21, 2014

Give a map an inch and it’ll take a mile.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 21, 2013

How can I follow my dreams if I keep forgetting them when I wake up?

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 22, 2013

I can hold a note for several minutes. Even longer if it's stuck to my hand

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 5, 2013

Idea: Lego

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 30, 2013

Here's a review of me: I am the best

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 25, 2013

*head in hands, kneeling in the shadows* My brain... *looks up* ...is problemed

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) January 1, 2014

Here's why the Unified Government Algorithm Proposition can never work: Fiscal Unbalance Detriment

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 12, 2013

You can't escape from EVERY lobster. One of them will get you in the end.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 20, 2013

*catapults neighbourhood over hill* Well, there goes the neighbourhood

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) October 28, 2013

Your trumpet can also be a weapon, if you play it REALLY well

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 11, 2013

Ant ambulances: There at the drop of a hat

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) October 2, 2013

Alas, poor Yorick - I knew him in college

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 26, 2013

Who will take me to the prom? I have a different date every year, so once I don't have to take Tanya, Jhon, Gail or Bernice again, it's fine

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 27, 2014

Googulglas Rift

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 27, 2014

Don't ask me "Will they/won't they". Let me answer the first part before we get onto the second. Firstly, I don't think they will. Secondly,

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 9, 2013

Scrotum: strong concept, poor execution

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) June 27, 2014

*kanye west goes on safari* *raises hands in disbelief* where's the goddamn whales

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 24, 2014

If there's a better sleeves song than "Greensleeves", I have yet to hear it.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 10, 2014

IKEA: SATAN'S PLAYGROUND pic.twitter.com/t39TI9KZJJ

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 11, 2014

Doctor? Hello. Sorry to bother you, but it's pretty serious: The present keeps pushing me further away from the past. Yes, I'll hold

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 18, 2014

Some are good at stand-up but not tweeting. Some are good at tweeting but not stand-up. Some can do both. Me? I am a bot whom sell shampoo

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 31, 2013

‘I love what you’ve done with your bleeeuuurrrghh!’ - person who is disgusted by hair

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 22, 2013

People often forget to give me a million dollars.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 24, 2013

Sadistic? You beat your ass I am!

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 30, 2013

*checks spam folder* *coughs* *gazes wistfully into the distance* *remembers childhood* *grasps at a feeling* *loses focus* *burps*

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) September 26, 2013

Dungeons & Dragons & Zero-Gravity & Trampolines & Tasty Snacks & A Chillout Room With Velour Cushions

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 18, 2013

"Kid Rock", you say? "Child Rock"? Our children, in thrall to the dirty pig music of Bezezelbob? I won't have it. Lock him up

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 11, 2013

Indiana Jones And A Tiny Cup

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) January 1, 2014

Breastfeeding is the same without the R.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) October 1, 2013

*walks onstage* *holds mic for five minutes* Wow, tough crowd. I've told at least ten good jokes

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 8, 2013

[My 5-year plan] 2015: famuos 2016: go to moon 2017: bringback moon 2018: friend with ryan gosleng 2019: fly away with him on moon

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) July 5, 2014

.@JerrySeinfeld Did you ever get to play that game of tennis . and What was the deal with it

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 24, 2014

They're remaking Carrie. Remember the original, with Chloë Grace Moretz? Well this version has TEN buckets, FOUR proms & Chloë Grace Moretz

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 23, 2013

I have had it with these multitudinous snakes on this malfunctioning plane

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 14, 2013

My haircut keeps getting bigger.

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) March 25, 2014

Yes hello, I've found an error in episode 130. Picard's moonboots appear to change shape from scene to scene. Yes, I can hold

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 4, 2013

Babies shouldn't smoke. Why is nobody saying this. I feel like I'm going crazy here

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) January 1, 2014

What'll they think of next? I dunno. What did they think of last?

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 23, 2013

I Have Figured It Out. Just Click Here

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 8, 2013

IMAGINE, if you will, two topical events mashed together in an unexpected way

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 27, 2013

Don't ask me "Will they/won't they". Let me answer the first part before we get onto the second. Firstly, I don't think they will. Secondly,

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) December 9, 2013

*checks Drafts folder* *only entry reads "*checks Drafts folder* *only entry reads "*checks Drafts folder* *only entry reads "*checks Drafts

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 11, 2013

POOP IS THERE AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH AND THE MOMENT OF DEATH

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 23, 2013

I woke up this morning. Beat that, dinosaurs

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 22, 2013

I wish someone would have the guts to actually reinvent the wheel. Nobody wants to step up and do it

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) October 24, 2013

I gave myself a badge for "Most Spare Badges".

— AstonishingSod (@AstonishingSod) November 24, 2013

I have 40+ other Twitter accounts, most of which can be found in the Links and Contact sections.

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