HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.
1. Are you trying to play the piccolo but every note sounds like a lion and then the piccolo is a lion?
2. Is it simultaneously 1985 and 1994 and there's a bear chasing you through a dusty warehouse?
3. Is there fondue everywhere except where it's meant to be?
4. Has the stranger you crushed with a rock in the burning forest reappeared, smiling and hovering?
5. Have your innards solidified and have you begun to emit regular beeps?
6. Is there a noise in the walls and it gets louder when you blink?
7. Have you been thinking about your buttocks?
8. Is there something moving in the background of that old photograph of the ruined mill?
9. When you dusted for prints, did the statue disintegrate, leaving a pile of sugar on the marble plinth?
10. Did the skeleton become larger the faster you ran, until you collided and the hot bones ground you down?
11. Is there a disjointed narrative, poor lighting, too many characters, 2 stars out of 5?
12. Is there no need for food, and you only stop running to tear strips of flesh from the cold earth?
13. Do you keep falling down the stairs and turning into another whorl of bones, but never breaking?
14. Do none of the placenames make sense (e.g. Ominous Shadow Lane, Low Bass Throb, Bad Thing Area)?
16. Are you pregnant, but you can't be pregnant, you're a museum?
17. Are there bodies in the crawlspace but you wrapped them in She-Ra blankets?
18. Well, maybe it's not, let's just consider the possGGGGAAAAHHHHHHHHH STOMACH SLITHERING TEETH?
19. Is there nothing to eat but hot pencils?
20. Might you be a goose?
21. Are you your father and your son, and your father (you) is the son of your son (you), and your son (you) is the father of your father (you)?
22. Were there very few toilet breaks on the journey over the pink mountain?
23. Have you forgotten that everything is a nightmare, you fool?
24. Do your house and the beach share a basement?
25. Are you in a tree, covered in seaweed, trying to convince Portia de Rossi to put her clothes back on and sing about lobsters?
26. Are you trying to punch a corpse but your arms feel like they're underwater?
27. Are you in the gizzard bucket but your claws have melted?
28. You can't
29. Are you in the maternity ward and a nightmare is emerging from between your legs?