ASTONISHING SOD :
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INAUGURAL ADDRESS
Friends, enemies, frenemies, acquaintances, rivals, strangers, strangelings, gathered weirdos, scumbags, wastrels, fugitives, accountants, persons of interest, shoe historians, mumblers, innovators, chefs, fake chefs, Mariah Carey, bros who lift other bros, parsons, ancient men, snooker groupies, retired mannequins, The East Anglia Shalamar Fanclub, stump collectors, nonspecific enthusiasts, haters, undecideds, hobos, cyberhobos, fauxhobos, curtain strokers, golfists, accountants who look like Mariah Carey, friends of frenemies, Stalin apologists, college kids who have misinterpreted Rave, aunts, aunt impressionists, the anti-golf lobby, Quake level designers, voters, non-voters, those who should have voted, the professionally disenfranchised, foreigners, Foreigner, natives, drifters, unmentionables, Mysterons, siblings of spies, chefs who seem fake but are actually real, amateur sleuths, amateur psychopaths, worried mothers, worrying offspring: I speak to you today not as Astonishing Sod, the famed polymath to whom you're accustomed, the man I undoubtedly and convincingly was, but as President Sod, an entirely new and unprecedented entity who, despite the misgivings and protestations of an uninformed and no doubt bigoted minority of as-yet-unidentified naysayers, poopjackets and wrong'uns, will lead the people of Twitter into a future they could scarcely have imagined, with a vigour hitherto unrecorded - a man whose modesty was reflected in the voter turnout on Election Day but whose vision and confidence are not only unequaled but scarcely believable; a man whose most ardent supporters prostrate themselves before his very Words; a man untroubled by the abject pettiness of the masses; a man with a restless mind and the means to harness his dreams; a man who cares; a man who can hold your hopes in his heart; a man whose appetite for knowledge and progress is matched only by his chameleonic wanderlust; a man who's been entrusted with the keys; a man beloved by supporters and feared by haters; a man prepared to say what must be said to the people at whom what needs to be said needs to be said; a man qualified to act; a man who only makes promises he's already fulfilled; a man willing to bring about the self-actualization of an entire people; a man with the drive to reinvigorate and empower; a man strong enough to love and human enough to hope; a man who lives to learn; the man you elected by an overwhelming majority; your humble and grateful leader - the President of Twitter.
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WHO AM I?
My name is Astonishing Sod and I'm the President of Twitter. |
As creator and writer of over 20 Twitter accounts, I know the place like the back of my hand.
With 5 years' experience on the ground, numerous successful brands, extensive international media support, a fearless and inquisitive nature, a hunger for social justice, a controversial stint as a whistleblower and a flair for public speaking, I'm ideally positioned to lead the people of Twitter.
How and why? Read on to find out.
With 5 years' experience on the ground, numerous successful brands, extensive international media support, a fearless and inquisitive nature, a hunger for social justice, a controversial stint as a whistleblower and a flair for public speaking, I'm ideally positioned to lead the people of Twitter.
How and why? Read on to find out.
THE STORY OF THE CAMPAIGN
Here's the complete story of How I Became President Of Twitter.
(on Storify)
And here's the story of how my election campaign began.
(on Huffington Post UK)
Why I ran, how I did it, the sacrifices, the lessons, the ups, the downs...
The Journey.
Here's the complete story of How I Became President Of Twitter.
(on Storify)
And here's the story of how my election campaign began.
(on Huffington Post UK)
Why I ran, how I did it, the sacrifices, the lessons, the ups, the downs...
The Journey.
BELIEVE IN VISION:
Astonishing Sod's Campaign Agendaplanifesto
Here is my Manifesto, Platform, Plan, Agenda, whatever you want to call it. Agendaplanifesto.
UPDATE: I've outlined the ways in which I'm keeping my election promises.
Astonishing Sod's Campaign Agendaplanifesto
Here is my Manifesto, Platform, Plan, Agenda, whatever you want to call it. Agendaplanifesto.
UPDATE: I've outlined the ways in which I'm keeping my election promises.
1. A Friendly Welcome.
The existing Immigration Policy is a mess. People come in, stagger around and struggle valiantly to introduce themselves, then slump in the corner, frustrated, confused and alone with egg as their faces. This must stop. Newcomers ought to have a place to call Home (or whatever it is they call “Home”), where someone can help them to find their feet and come out of their shells. A place where they can learn our customs and recognise what it is that we have in common, without fear of ridicule and the jabbering of thoughtless fools. Rules, but Nice. With that in mind, I propose a Welcome Zone, which should be the first stop on these visitors’ journeys, doomed or otherwise.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I opened the Welcome Zone. [ on Twitter ]
2. The Global Country.
Bridging the gap between migrants from different countries is vital if we’re to create the Utopia I envision on Twitter dot com. There are cultural divides all around us. Some of us came here from Europe, some from the USA, some from Japan, all kinds of weird places you wouldn’t believe. Me? I came from Ireland, and it’s a strange, inbetweeny place. When the Irish go to bed (and the Englands too), the Americans are wide awake and the Russians are asleep. And when we’re ALL awake (which happens for 5 minutes, twice a day), some are too tired to chat, while others are too wired to wait. One possible solution is a Universal Twitter Clock, which ignores daylight and would entail a global discussion regarding sleep patterns, travel schedules and a few other little issues. A new time zone, Twitter Inclusionary Time (TIT), would be introduced. Another option is Sleep Rotas; citizens from different cultural backgrounds could take turns to stay awake and chat through the night, once a week or something. I’m just throwing out ideas here, and something will work, I know it will. Because I have Belief and Vision.
3. Change The Record.
Hashtag games. Indignation. Sloppiness. Malaise. Badness. Awfulness. Sameness. Meanitude. The People of Twitter have suffered enough. Let’s wipe the slate clean! Let’s pick off the lint and stride forward into a brave new world. Better tweets! Better conversations! More originality! Let’s begin with that one. I propose extreme measures to deal with plagiarism. We could be a force to be reckoned with in the Arts if anybody could confidently verify authorship; I will establish a Forgeries Department to deal with crooks and swindlers. Creatives, Not Cretins. But there’s more, of course. As your President, I will personally endeavour to encourage and champion greatness in the few fields in which Twitter routinely distinguishes itself, namely Brief Literature, The Comedic Art, Unusualness, Collective Betterment and Massive Genius.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I created the President's Awards. [ on Twitter ]
I created the Department of the Arts. [ on Twitter ]
4. Wake Up The Weekend.
Twitter is a fine place to be from Monday-Thursday. And yet, every weekend, folks seem to disappear. Elsewhere. Nobody is quite sure where they go. Perhaps they’re using hostel vouchers or hibernating or getting out of town for 2 nights’ dinner with bed and breakfast and a bad massage by the pool. And what are we doing to keep them around? Nothing! It’s got to change. Friday’s fizzled out, Saturday is an embarrassment and Sunday looks like the Rapture’s just happened. I propose sweeping changes to the weekend landscape. As President, I will give the people of Twitter a compelling reason to stick around: Think Of What You Could Miss.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I'm piloting some Weekend Initiatives.
[ #Sodurday / #SundaySurprise ]
Friday Night Disco [ @FridayNiteDisco / #FNDisco ] continues.
5. The Face of Twitter.
As President, I will also be an ambassador for Twitter. I’ll be its face, its figurehead. Am I qualified to carry out this most venerable of Presidential duties? You bet I am. I moved to Twitter six years ago, when it was a hellish wasteland, populated only by hermits, intellectuals and the crumbling rich. Nowadays, and with all due respect, it’s a heaving mess of excitable youths, recreational robots, well-meaning parents, scumbags, tourists, delusional cheerfuls and actual murderers. So, very little has changed. In the intervening period, I’ve seen scandal upon fiasco upon outrage, peppered with garbage. I’ve seen parochialism, savagery and - once, by accident – an inside-out whale. I’ve rubbed shoulders with the mad, the gentle and the entirely stupid. I have acquaintances in High Twitter, Low Twitter and the other one (Insane Twitter). And who better to provide this place with an acceptable veneer, to spin its excesses into “collective exuberance”, to empower us to stand proud in the global community? You’re looking at him. This guy here. Me.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I opened the President's Office [ on Twitter ].
I've made myself available to all Twitter citizens.
The existing Immigration Policy is a mess. People come in, stagger around and struggle valiantly to introduce themselves, then slump in the corner, frustrated, confused and alone with egg as their faces. This must stop. Newcomers ought to have a place to call Home (or whatever it is they call “Home”), where someone can help them to find their feet and come out of their shells. A place where they can learn our customs and recognise what it is that we have in common, without fear of ridicule and the jabbering of thoughtless fools. Rules, but Nice. With that in mind, I propose a Welcome Zone, which should be the first stop on these visitors’ journeys, doomed or otherwise.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I opened the Welcome Zone. [ on Twitter ]
2. The Global Country.
Bridging the gap between migrants from different countries is vital if we’re to create the Utopia I envision on Twitter dot com. There are cultural divides all around us. Some of us came here from Europe, some from the USA, some from Japan, all kinds of weird places you wouldn’t believe. Me? I came from Ireland, and it’s a strange, inbetweeny place. When the Irish go to bed (and the Englands too), the Americans are wide awake and the Russians are asleep. And when we’re ALL awake (which happens for 5 minutes, twice a day), some are too tired to chat, while others are too wired to wait. One possible solution is a Universal Twitter Clock, which ignores daylight and would entail a global discussion regarding sleep patterns, travel schedules and a few other little issues. A new time zone, Twitter Inclusionary Time (TIT), would be introduced. Another option is Sleep Rotas; citizens from different cultural backgrounds could take turns to stay awake and chat through the night, once a week or something. I’m just throwing out ideas here, and something will work, I know it will. Because I have Belief and Vision.
3. Change The Record.
Hashtag games. Indignation. Sloppiness. Malaise. Badness. Awfulness. Sameness. Meanitude. The People of Twitter have suffered enough. Let’s wipe the slate clean! Let’s pick off the lint and stride forward into a brave new world. Better tweets! Better conversations! More originality! Let’s begin with that one. I propose extreme measures to deal with plagiarism. We could be a force to be reckoned with in the Arts if anybody could confidently verify authorship; I will establish a Forgeries Department to deal with crooks and swindlers. Creatives, Not Cretins. But there’s more, of course. As your President, I will personally endeavour to encourage and champion greatness in the few fields in which Twitter routinely distinguishes itself, namely Brief Literature, The Comedic Art, Unusualness, Collective Betterment and Massive Genius.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I created the President's Awards. [ on Twitter ]
I created the Department of the Arts. [ on Twitter ]
4. Wake Up The Weekend.
Twitter is a fine place to be from Monday-Thursday. And yet, every weekend, folks seem to disappear. Elsewhere. Nobody is quite sure where they go. Perhaps they’re using hostel vouchers or hibernating or getting out of town for 2 nights’ dinner with bed and breakfast and a bad massage by the pool. And what are we doing to keep them around? Nothing! It’s got to change. Friday’s fizzled out, Saturday is an embarrassment and Sunday looks like the Rapture’s just happened. I propose sweeping changes to the weekend landscape. As President, I will give the people of Twitter a compelling reason to stick around: Think Of What You Could Miss.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I'm piloting some Weekend Initiatives.
[ #Sodurday / #SundaySurprise ]
Friday Night Disco [ @FridayNiteDisco / #FNDisco ] continues.
5. The Face of Twitter.
As President, I will also be an ambassador for Twitter. I’ll be its face, its figurehead. Am I qualified to carry out this most venerable of Presidential duties? You bet I am. I moved to Twitter six years ago, when it was a hellish wasteland, populated only by hermits, intellectuals and the crumbling rich. Nowadays, and with all due respect, it’s a heaving mess of excitable youths, recreational robots, well-meaning parents, scumbags, tourists, delusional cheerfuls and actual murderers. So, very little has changed. In the intervening period, I’ve seen scandal upon fiasco upon outrage, peppered with garbage. I’ve seen parochialism, savagery and - once, by accident – an inside-out whale. I’ve rubbed shoulders with the mad, the gentle and the entirely stupid. I have acquaintances in High Twitter, Low Twitter and the other one (Insane Twitter). And who better to provide this place with an acceptable veneer, to spin its excesses into “collective exuberance”, to empower us to stand proud in the global community? You’re looking at him. This guy here. Me.
How I'm fulfilling this promise:
I opened the President's Office [ on Twitter ].
I've made myself available to all Twitter citizens.
THE ELECTION
The votes have been counted. Astonishing Sod (@AstonishingSod) has been elected President of Twitter.
— Electoral Commission (@TwElectComm) February 11, 2014
Voting was overseen by the Twitter Electoral Committee (TEC).
Election Day was Monday February 10th.
All citizens of Twitter were eligible to vote.
Election Day was Monday February 10th.
All citizens of Twitter were eligible to vote.
Let’s usher in a new age together.
Believe in Vision.
Rules, but Nice.
Remember the Future.
Goodness, not Badness.
Change The Record.
Creatives, not Cretins.
Wake Up The Weekend.
Think Of What You Could Miss.
Ride the Moment.
A Twitter for Tomorrow.
Vote Early, Vote Sod.
In Sod We Trust.
Astonishing Sod. President of Twitter.
Believe in Vision.
Rules, but Nice.
Remember the Future.
Goodness, not Badness.
Change The Record.
Creatives, not Cretins.
Wake Up The Weekend.
Think Of What You Could Miss.
Ride the Moment.
A Twitter for Tomorrow.
Vote Early, Vote Sod.
In Sod We Trust.
Astonishing Sod. President of Twitter.