ARIES 30,000 years from now, you will win a fairly large sum of money. But it'll be spent immediately on alimony from your 4,762 divorces.
Lucky number: 29,999.
TAURUS If you're thinking of closing the curtains, turning off the lights and rocking back and forth, just seize the opportunity and go for it!
Lucky number: 0.
GEMINI Last week, you ate the wrong food. Don't do that. Also, you seem troubled by a noise. Ignore that noise. In fact, stay out of that room altogether until after the weekend.
Lucky smell: Green carpet.
CANCER Did you hear about the news? Of course you didn't; you were too busy with that other thing. Will you ever make time for the important stuff? Who knows?
Lucky number: -Q.
LEO Smoking is bad for you. What's worse, it has no effect on that guy you hate who lives across the street. Life!
Lucky word: Basketball.
VIRGO Literally all of your body is going to decompose. This will most likely happen after you die, which will be in the future.
Lucky number: 100.
LIBRA You have shrunk to the size of a pea and are trying to escape from a photograph of a maze. Get out quickly! Someone has made a sandwich and they're considering leaving it on the table!
Lucky bear: Kodiak.
SCORPIO Your hair will be very elegant when you meet the President. The killing must be carried out with piano wire.
Lucky number: 3.8104.
SAGITTARIUS While polishing the handle, you will fall into the toilet. If you keep swimming, you will reach a bonus room. Collect the twelve coins, defeat the fire monster and exit throught the secret door in the far wall.
Lucky wrench: Ratcheting box wrench.
CAPRICORN Whatever you do, don't drink that! That's my drink. Get your own drink. Looking into the future, it seems you will be devoured by wolves near the end of the week, following an unrelated argument with a librarian.
Lucky sign: Taurus.
AQUARIUS This year could be the one! Get married to this year and start a family. Don't invite last year to the reception.
Lucky testicle: #3.
PISCES Open the door to a brighter tomorrow! Whatever the hell that means. Something about self-knowledge or something? I dunno.
Lucky number: 1986.